What Your Pet Says About You

Do you own any pets?

What kind? And what does your choice say about you as a person?

As you should all know by now, I consider myself an expert of all things, but when it comes to pets? I’m the motherfucking M A S T E R.

I’ve owned a huge variety of animals over my lifetime, from snakes, to dogs, to cats, to wild jack rabbits, and I’ve had buyer’s remorse on more occasions than I can count. But I kept the damn things, many of them for ten plus years before I lost a whole whack in my divorce, and now I sit here, completely pet-free for the first time in my entire life. I must admit it’s strange not having a lizard to terrorize your friends with or a dog to lick peanut butter off your balls, but this pet-free moment in time has given me a clarity that only comes by rarely, and I’m not sure I’ll ever own another pet again.

Unless, of course, it’s #7 on this list. Like c'mon, let's get serious.

So, the big question I have today is: What does your pet say about you and your life choices? To go even further, what does it say about where you currently are in your life, and what kind of person you’re striving to be? Well, let the master tell you.

Just as a quick warning: At some point you will be offended reading this.

Now, let's start with:

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1) A Lizard of Any Kind

The Life Stage

You just moved out of your parent’s basement, and gosh darnit, you feel awfully responsible now and think you can take care of a sentient creature that’s native to fucking AFGHANISTAN and has no place living in your current climate.

You’re at a stage where you want more responsibility, but not THAT much responsibility. You want your pet to be just that right amount of unremarkable so that none of your friends will notice that you forgot to feed it for two weeks and, as a result, it’s now sitting in a Quizno’s soup cup buried somewhere in the city dump.

What It Says About You

You don’t think things through, and you’re prone to making knee-jerk purchases. You didn’t realize, at the time of purchase, that you’re going to be stuck with this pet for the next 10-15 years and you can’t even cuddle the fucking thing. What’s worse? If you’re doing it right, some lizards can cost more to keep alive than a dog (check out the price of crickets, meal worms and supplements the next time you’re at a pet store, bucko). Sure they’re neat for a few weeks, but the allure of staring at something that hates you through a plate of glass gets pretty old, pretty quickly.

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2) Hamster

The Life Stage

You’re 7.

What It Says About You

Your parents either can’t afford a better pet, or they think you’re too stupid to take care of a real animal, so they went out and spent $25.00 on a rodent to shut you up for a few weeks.

Even though they’re going to sit you down and show you how to take care of it, they fully expect you to accidentally kill your hamster by trying to bathe it, going full-out Of Mice and Men on the poor thing, or by feeding it yellow Skittles in the middle of a restless  night. Because let’s be honest: no one likes yellow Skittles, and if you do? Well, I hereby demand you have your taste buds peeled from your mouth with a potato slicer.

Yeesh, that was dark! But you know the old saying: "Hamsters bring out the worst in all of us."

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3) Snake

The Life Stage

A timeless purchase.

What It Says About You

You’re either a badass, or a wannabe badass. You want people who come over to your pad to realize that you’re not to be trifled with, because guess what? You have a motherfucking snake.

But you also have a kinky side too. No one that owns a snake doesn’t like the weird stuff. Don’t believe me? Look it up! Here, I’ll do the same . . . . . . . .

Okay, so that might not be true. But I did find a startling fact that everyone should know:

“In 2015, a group of researchers found that male red-garter snakes were losing up to 18% of their daily energy every time they ejaculated . . .  On top of that, male snakes are reportedly so focused on reproducing, they don’t even eat during the mating season, and many of them die.”

*Insert sex joke about dudes and their snakes*

4) Fish

The Life Stage

You’ve just gone through a divorce or lost/changed your job. Money is a little tight right now, and you figure you need a companion to get through these trying times. You saw a $5.00 fishbowl for sale on Kijiji, and you know goldfish are inexpensive, so what the hell? Let’s do this!!!

What It Says About You

You’re so lonely that you’ve resorted to purchasing a Hulu account because you’ve run out of shows to watch on Netflix. A week in, you come to realize that your fish is a metaphor for your current situation.

Like the fish, you’re floating aimlessly in the modern-day bowl of life, eating terrible food, and shitting everywhere all the time, hoping that someone is going to come by soon and clean your mess, because the shit is starting to pile up on the bottom of the tank and change the colour of the rocks and you can’t see more than a few inches in front of you and –

Blaaaarghh . . . the fish is dead. Congratulations, you’re a great deal less pathetic than you once were. Now go get a real pet.

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5) Bird

The Life Stage

You just got back from a trip overseas to an exotic location, and you miss the beautifully-colored birds soaring through the palm trees and jungles, so you figure that you can do your part and buy one of those birds in the local pet store, then keep it caged for the rest of its very, very long life.

What It Says About You

There is an evil deep inside of you that only very young children can see, and they cry every time you get near them and no one knows why. Your evil is manifested in the annoying bird that you keep caged up in the corner of your apartment, terrorizing and freaking out anyone who dares come over. Most people dislike you very much, but will never say it your face because we’ve all seen that movie Birds before, and we fear your Satanic pet. Still, you know you’re going to burn in Hell someday, and so does everyone else.

6) A Cat

The Life Stage 

You’ve given up trying to get laid, or, at the very least, you’ve given up any chance of doing the dirty deed in private ever again. But so what? You like an audience, and the guy on Craigslist that pays to watch is no longer returning your phone calls, so you’ve settled on a cat. Life sure is good.

What It Says About You

You’re completely at peace with living the rest of your life alone and filling all the empty spaces in your heart with more and more cats. You’re the laziest of all pet owners, because you literally don’t have to do anything and your animal will probably be healthier than you are.

You also care very little about your pet liking you, because let’s face it: your cat doesn’t like you. It tolerates you.

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7) A Cute and Wonderful Dog

The Life Stage

You’re currently at the best possible stage you’re ever going to be at in life, because you own a dog, so start enjoying it. If you’re super depressed AND you own a dog, well then just get another one, and watch them frolic and warm that shitty, icy heart of yours.

This stage of life could literally occur as you exit the womb and your mother’s pet chihuahua, Pedro, cuts the umbilical cord with its sharp, little canines, or perhaps when you finish your degree at age 40 (after changing majors five times and blowing your parents retirement fund), and you finally have the cash money-monayyy to support a living, breathing, bundle of love that isn’t a stupid human baby.

What It Says About You

You’re the best kind of person. Everyone loves you, or they soon will, and if you’re not rich right now, someday you will be, because, according to all the Harvard research out there, the amount of puppy snuggles you receive in a lifetime is directly correlated to life happiness and the amount of money you have, or will soon have, in the bank. So just snuggle-wuggle that doggie of yours all night while crying to This is Us on Netflix, wake up the next day to an overflowing bank account, and you go buy that super-expensive, talking vibrator you’ve always wanted, BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT, BITCH.

And if you’re dogless? Well, I guess you’re just not ready to be happy. But if you’re ready to take the plunge, then do the world a favour and check out an animal shelter first. There’s a lotta good dogs out there that need a home, folks.