Well, everyone - the last week has been a major hit on Dustin Does. I quadrupled my weekly readership with my last post on Dating, and that's got me in the mood to solicit for sex tonight and, for your pleasure, do something that I've been meaning to do for a long while now.
Welcome to the newest feature on Dustin Does: Top Ten Lists!
I mean who doesn't love a good list? Bucket lists, those married couples' classic "celebrities we're allowed to fuck" lists, and all of those other strange, fun and, oftentimes, disgusting lists. Because they're so much fun, I solemnly swear to all of you that I will write one of these extremely well-thought-out lists whenever the fuck I feel like it. This is my promise to you.
So buckle in and enjoy the ride, readers, cause this is gonna be fun.
Why don't we start on a positive note by talking about:
TEN TYPES OF PEOPLE THAT JUST FUCKING SUCK
In no particular order...
1) That guy who never picks up his dog’s shit
Just the worst.
But I have to admit… I’ve done this. And if you own a dog you're a lying asshole if you say you've never.
I’ll never forget that time, years ago, when I was walking my dog in a park in the middle of winter. The area was surrounded by homes on both sides, and my little American Eskimo, Raffi, took one of the biggest dumps, human or otherwise, that I’ve ever witnessed. He was half the dog after he was done with that shit, so much that it looked like he just gave birth, and I stared at my little plastic doggie baggie, then down at fluffy Raffi, then down at the shit and said:
“No. Nuh UH. Back to nature with you, poop.”
Well perhaps she heard me, or maybe she just spent her long winters staring out her window gazing at dog assholes, but this elderly lady came storming out of her house in her fucking house robe, and started scolding me for walking away from a steaming turd. What did I do?
I ran away with my hood down like an escaped felon.
I lived in the neighbourhood and figured if she didn’t see my face my honour could still be preserved. The old hag made it about fifty feet before giving up (ahahaha curse your old bones!), but my favourite dog-walking space was forever tarnished by Raffi’s arm-sized poop and me being too big of a pussy to pick it up with my tiny bag.
Don’t be this guy. Just don’t.
2) That neighbour who seems to have all his shit together
We all have one. It could be your neighbour next door with the perfectly-manicured yard and his saintly, flower-dressed wife, who leans out her front door each morning with a bagged lunch and a kiss. Or it could be that old Irish kent* on the same floor as you who pretends to own the fucking place, patrolling halls like a god damn prison guard for any infractions or potential noise complaints.
I had a neighbour like this back when I still had a functioning life. He had a perfect yard, a stupid-looking, but smart and philanthropic boy, and a sign in his front yard YEAR ROUND that read “God Bless”. It drove me nuts because it was too open-ended, and every morning I was tempted to plug a sign beside his that read “Pedophiles” or “Batman's Bat Dick”. But alas my ex-wife was a tad more level-headed than I and far less bothered, so I put up with this madness for seven whole years.
But you and I are in the majority. We're not perfect, we show our flaws every morning as we stumble out of the house, kick open our car door and swear at everything, living or dead, until we get our morning coffee. We wear our scars, so screw those stupid Flanderses.
Because we both know those types of people are really the most fucked up, and likely have the darkest and dirtiest secrets. My Ned Flander’s neighbour probably wore his wife’s leopard thong to work every day and then flossed his teeth with it at night. And that old Irish kent? We all know she probably flicks her bean to Disney movies. Silly, drunk pervert.
Have the indecency to share your fucked-upness with the world, people.
3) People who play on their phone in the company of others
It’s hilarious – this is something that everyone hates but almost everyone does.
I’ve even done it before, but that’s usually when the horned-up-on-Jameson threshold** has been eclipsed for the night and I’m looking to get laid on Tinder whilst trying to maintain a relevant conversation with my friends. Hey I never said I was perfect.
But here’s a golden rule for all you ladies and gents – keep that fucking cell in your pocket when you’re on dates. This applies to first dates, second dates, dates with hookers, dates with your wife or husband or even Disney-themed dates with that old Irish kent on the 15th floor.
4) The douche who pretends to know everything about something they clearly know nothing about
We all know a few of these. Some people just like injecting themselves into conversations with little to no knowledge of the topic at hand. If I didn’t loathe them so much, I would admire these people for having the cajones to step into conversations they’re so obviously unqualified for.
And I’m not necessarily talking about deep conversations on philosophy or theoretical physics here. I’m just simply not graced with that amount of brain matter anyway, and so I stay out of them completely.
No, the best example I can give is sports, mainly because I see this play out so often. A buddy of mine, who clearly dislikes hockey always needs to chime in one way or another. He’ll rattle off stats that are completely inaccurate and or don’t even make sense. He’ll give opinions on players while lacking the knowledge to even say their name right.
And I applaud the effort, but this isn’t high school anymore, bud. If you don’t know a single damn thing about a particular topic, it’s OK to bow out of the convo until we move onto something in your wheelhouse. We won’t judge you because of it, but we will judge your ass if you’re pretending to be an expert when you’re clearly not.
5) The guy who takes the elevator up one floor
Ugh. Handicapped people, amirite?
No, I’m talking about the able-bodied dipshit who steps into the ground-floor elevator after you, and when you ask him what floor he’s on, he responds with “Second floor, heh heh heh.” Then you press the button for him and grit your teeth.
The proper response, however, is a punch to his solar plexus, followed by opening the elevator door and throwing him into the stairwell. If you're really having a bad day, tell him "your ass looks fat" and "no one will ever love you" for good measure.
This especially makes me mad because most days I really have to take a shit when I come home from work, and that extra 10-15 seconds I have to spend in the elevator because of this asshole could easily end up with me shitting my pants or . . .
6) Farting in the Elevator Guy
Nuff said. May you be fucked to death by the gentle prodding of a thousand little scorpion dicks.
You get together with some people and have a small achievement to share. Maybe your nagging syphilis has finally been killed by copious amounts of penicillin. Maybe you made it a day without saying something borderline racist or homophobic. Fuck I don’t know, maybe you graduated to laced shoes and you just had to tell someone.
Then some asshole tells you his HIV is in recession, and everyone forgets about your syphilis accomplishment. Or this one-upper has found a way to be racist without actually seeming racist. Or that he’s been tying his own shoes since First Grade (hahaha, yeah right!).
Whatever it is, this guy constantly needs to shit on your achievements, big or small, simply by being just a little better than you. Your pride takes a slap in the balls, and suddenly you feel removed from the conversation that he fully intends on dominating for the next half hour.
Remove these people from your life. They will never stop one-upping you, and if you don’t have your small achievements that nobody cares about, then what the fuck is the point of living?
8) People who are late for everything
I have to admit, my generation is the absolute worst for this. Worst thing is: there’s no excuse for being late in the 21st century.
We have 24/7 access to weather, road/traffic conditions, the current time is literally everywhere you look, and Google Maps can tell you how long it takes to get to a certain destination within one or two minutes.
Doing your hair and makeup isn’t an excuse.
Not wanting to be there first isn’t an excuse, because SOMEONE has to fucking be there first, asshole.
Getting stuck in traffic isn’t an excuse either. Plan to be there fifteen minutes early and no amount of traffic will make you late.
In short, just try not to be a bag of smashed assholes. Got it? Good.
9) People who don’t know how to park
I am happy to say I’ve never been this dickwad. But we’ve ALL seen this, whether it’s some shithead double parking in a busy lot, or that dude wearing white-rimmed sunglasses pulling his vehicle into the 7-11 handicap stall because he’s just stopping in quick to buy a Monterey Jack taquito and enough melted plastic cheese to jerk off an endangered black rhino. The second is, of course, a noble cause. Endangered species have the bluest of balls in the animal kingdom.
But fuck your taquito, man. And fuck you too.
It is our duty to confront these people when we see it. There are so few repercussions for parking like a jackass, that public shaming seems to be our only avenue for the revenge we so dearly require.
A few months back I went on a first date, and this cutie-pie Spaniard with big tits and no brains (as I came to find out) drove up and down a main street in Edmonton, scrambling to find parking. As I watched her from the restaurant , face in palm, I felt bad for her and called her to direct her into a business parking lot. I met her there, and watched as she double parked at an angle, taking up two entire stalls. As she got out of her car, with her 3-inch high heels only outdone by her 4 inches of cleavage, the first thing I asked her was “are going to correct your unthinkable sin and re-park your car.” Well, she didn’t see the problem, and I didn’t see the problem with turning around, walking home and leaving her behind.
That, my dear readers, is what we call actively turning down a guaranteed Spanish blowjob to stand up for something you believe in. I’m a god damn hero.
10) People who show up to your party with a full stomach
So you’ve been planning this party for a few weeks. You tell all your guests that food will be provided, there will be plenty for everyone, so just BYOB and don’t be surprised if I demand sexual favours in return for my delicious pulled pork sandwiches.
This is not a pun, nor an exaggeration. If I stood on a main street corner and demanded blowies for these sandwiches, I’d be getting more action than Robert Downie Jr.
So people start showing up to your party, and of course the wives/husbands and over-eager single friends bring some food to add to the already burgeoning smorgasbord you spent the entire day preparing. Fine, whatever makes you feel like you’re contributing.
But then you have those people who show up with little to no booze and a full stomach. This annoys me so much that I’ve been tempted to tell them to go the way of bulimia for the night and throw up whatever garbage they ate before coming to my dinner party. To many of you, this may seem like a small thing.
But it’s not. People planning these parties spend 4-5 hours making food for their guests so they can watch them devour their hard work and, potentially, compliment the fine food. A lot of work goes into this for the host, and the least you can do is show up and eat the FREE food.
To me it’s like jerking off before showing up to an orgy and deciding to hang out in the corner and play Pokemon Go instead. You’re just bumming the orgy planner out, man. Go and fuck some people already.
So when you show up to a party with food, show up starving. Eat all of it, and compliment the host. They’ll love you for it.
So there you have it: The Top Ten Worst Types of People.
If you can think of any scumbags that I missed, let me know in the comments section below and maybe I’ll follow this up with a Part 2. Because, let’s face it: planet Earth has its fair share of shitheads.
*Kent - when a cunt is two fries short of a Happy Meal.
**Horned-up-on-Jameson threshold - a undetermined amount of whiskey that, when reached, topples Dustin into a whole new realm of existence: the Hunt for Pussy Island.