Netflix to me is like paying $10 to get a monthly corn-holing from a pillar of dicks. It’s kind of nice, but you’re still paying money for something you don’t need. That and you won’t shit right for weeks. Hrm . . . maybe that’s just the pillar of dicks. But you get my point.
I like Netflixing and Chilling as much as the next person, minus the Netflix and, really, minus the Chilling. I’d much rather throw on a free flick, spend that saved money on wine and get straight down to the wristies* and blowjobs. But that’s just me.
And how, you ask, does one save that $10/month and watch movies and TV shows for free? Well, this week Dustin Does is going to open your world to a SAFE alternative to that streaming bullshit. I’m going to show you how to download HD quality movies and your favorite television shows for free. And not only is it free, it’s about the easiest thing you can do on the web, yet 90% of my friends don’t bother because Netflix is “simple and you can just throw anything on at any time without having to wait.”
You lazy, lazy Kents.
This is when I promptly whip out my wee-wee and slap them on the forehead, just so every time they look in the mirror and see that red welt below their hairline they realize what a complete wanker they’ve been.
Using torrents (scary word, simple to do) you can download everything that’s on Netflix and more. I’m talking all of your favourite 70’s and 80’s flicks, all of those “Netflix Only” series, and even movies that are currently on the big screen. Waiting for the newest season of Game of Thrones to come out on DVD in six months? How about downloading the newest episode seconds after its first been aired on HBO instead.
Music from my favorite artist? You bet your ass!
Weird tentacle anime porn? Unfortunately…
Before I reveal to all of my readers the majesty of torrenting, I should mention that I heard about all this from a friend of a friend and in no way do I torrent myself.
Step 1: Download uTorrent from www.utorrent.com
uTorrent is the best and easiest torrenting client on the web. It’s a safe, simple and quick download with no extra shit thrown into the install file. And it’s FREE. Download it, install it, and BAM, you're done Step 1.
Step 2: Go To www.thepiratebay.org and Search!
Yeah…it’s seriously this easy. Hop on this website, type in a movie, artist, TV show or weird porn title of your choice and you've completed Step 2 of this incredibly difficult process of torrenting.
Keep in mind that the pirate bay has to change servers every once in a while and the site may be down, but that's super rare. Thankfully, when this does happen, they almost always have a mirror site up and running, so just Google it and find the new site.
Step 3: Choose a File to Download
My friend’s friend tells me this is probably the scariest part for most new users. This screen full of unintelligible information throws a lot of people off, but it’s actually VERY simple. Here’s what I currently see on my screen after searching for America's favourite past time, The Goonies:
In the columns, SE = Seeders. This indicates how many users are currently sharing the file. Commonly, the higher this number the faster the download. That’s ALL you need to know about that.
Under the Name column, you’ll see all sorts of helpful information. Things like the resolution of the download, the size of the download and who uploaded the file and when. The most important piece of information here for the safety of your computer is the little green or purple skull. This verifies that the uploader is trusted by the community, and you will NEVER receive files you don’t want. Their reputation and livelihood depends on it.
So choose a file to download, and let’s move onto the next step!
Step 4: Download the File!
There’s more mumbo jumbo on this screen, but all you’re interested is the “GET THIS TORRENT” button. Click it and watch what happens!
Look at you go! I can’t believe it! You can wipe your ass AND download torrents. Maybe even at the same time!
Step 5: Choose Where to Download the File
If you’ve ever downloaded anything ever in your entire life, then this should be easy. If you haven’t, then I want to meet you and make love to you and steal your purity.
Choose a location, create a folder named “Movies” or “TV Shows” or “Chicks with Dicks Collection” or whatever your fancy may be, and watch that bitch download at lightning speed. My friend's friend gets between 500kb – 5MB/second!
Step 6: Watch, Listen or Play Tug-o-War with your Cyclops
Just go to your file location, double-click that baby and there you have it! Free stuff on your computer! You're welcome.
I accept donations in the form of Edmonton Oiler playoff tickets and bull semen. (Preferably the latter. Extremely lucrative!)
Pro Tips: Only for Those That Have Mastered the Art of Breathing
If you want to watch your new, free shit on an actual TV, just hook your laptop or computer up to your television with an HDMI Cable from Best Buy. Note: There is NO difference between a $10.00 HDMI Cable and a $90.00 HDMI Cable. Get the cheaper one!
This is a one-time cost that will save you hundreds of dollars a year on Netflix. My friend's friend has been doing this for EIGHT years, saving him the cost of hundreds of trips to the theatre, movie rentals, CDs/iTunes/eBook purchases, and, so he tells me, the approximate equivalent cost of 400 terabytes of porn. He’s such a pervert!
Even better, you can say NO to cable bills and download all of your favourite shows seconds after they air while never watching a commercial again. By downloading seasons or single episodes, you can say goodbye to lazing around on the couch all day and channel-surfing. Instead, you can curl up with a bag of Rice Cakes, a box of Kleenex and a mickey of Jameson and then polish off an entire season of The Expanse, all the while medicating your forever aloneness with booze, gluten-free snacks and solid sci-fi programming.
Wait..that sounds pretty familiar...
Any questions? Well fuck you, I tried to make this as dummy free as possible.
*Wristie – An extremely enthusiastic version of giving a handie.**
**Handie – a handjob… if you don’t know what that is then GTFO this site.