Relationships are a fickle thing.
In the first few weeks and months, they start out slow. You feel each other out, maybe try and find some common interests and, most importantly, discover whether or not you can stand each other for more than a few hours. You want to see the other person’s private parts.
You bang a few times and neither of you hate it. Then, after a few successful weekends together, you slide into what many people call the “Puppy Love Stage”, where the other person can do no wrong and all you want to do is fuck, and eat, fuck again and TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
That Puppy Love Stage, which could range anywhere from three months to a couple years, is what anybody that’s been in a long-term relationship yearns for again. They look back on that Stage and think:
Of course, some of you reading this are one of the lucky ten percent who just permanently stayed in Puppy Love Stage, and to you I say:
Go fuck yourself and live a happy life.
But not all of us are that lucky.
Many of us see the steep decline in our relationship happening right before our eyes after the Puppy Love fades, and while we have the power to stop the flaming shopping cart of garbage in its tracks, instead we accept it as the natural progression through a relationship because we see it happening everywhere.
So I’ve compiled a list of signs that your relationship is probably about to implode. Some of you might be a little pissed reading this, maybe upset that I could even suggest that some of these things point to a relationship in decline because you're doing these things yourself.
But I’ve lived THIRTY-ONE WHOLE YEARS, and I know everything there is to know about life. Plus I was in a ten year relationship and subsequent marriage myself, and trust me – I learned a ton of ways to NOT do things.
Six Signs Your Relationship Is Headed in the Wrong Direction
1) You’ve Stopped Looking Good for Each Other
Okay, so I’m a realist here. Most couples aren’t going to wake up bright and early on a lazy Sunday morning, spend an hour putting on make-up, doing their hair and picking out an outfit to impress their partner. I mean if you do that you’re a god damn angel, but honestly, that’s a little much to be expected of everyone.
I’m talking about the day-to-day, and this sign is usually the first of many that your relationship is about to go for a nosedive.
For example, if you’re reading this and you’re sitting in your underwear with your dick hanging out of your pants or your tit popping out of your bra and your partner is sitting on the couch opposite of you completely uninterested in the fact that your gibblies are showing . . .
There is something wrong.
Try this instead (preferably in this order):
Wake up. Shower. Put on deodorant. Put on some decent clothes. Spruce yourself up enough that you look good enough to leave the house on a whim and be seen in public. And watch as your partner becomes impressed with your ability to WEAR CLOTHES and still look sexy as fuck.
When we stop caring and we reach that ultimate comfort zone of not giving a damn about our appearance, things become pretty boring. If you're currently doing this, I know you know what I mean. Seeing your girl's tits all the time lowers your appreciation for them. Seeing your man's flaccid dick all the time makes it lose its attraction. You want that fucker hard! (I think)
What it comes down to is - comfort all the time isn’t healthy. Comfort makes you stagnate. Comfort makes you ignore the underlying problems.
So look good for your partner, and if you’ve already slipped up here, it’s an easy thing to fix. Start now by tucking your wiener back into your underwear, go put on your shitty Hollister shirt and run a comb through your hair. If it’s long enough to put into a man bun, cut it off you fucking hippy. You look like an idiot.
2) You’ve Stopped Discovering New Things Together
You both love being at home. Your usual activities involve television, Netflix, and mindlessly surfing the web or spending time on social media. Whatever you do at home, you rarely venture outside your small comfort zone and neither of you get out to see the marvels of the rest of the world.
And I’m not talking Machu Pichu, the Eiffel Tower or the Hawaiian Islands, although I’m sure all of those things are great. I mean simply leaving the comfort of your own home (see that word comfort again?) and going downtown, visiting that forest or river thirty minutes outside the city, or visiting a new town and going for a booze-infused picnic. The options are literally endless.
Do you remember that time in the Puppy Love Stage where you’d always go to new restaurants, maybe watch live theatre and spend nights just roaming around, enjoying each other’s company? That’s still within reach, you just have to get off your fine, heart-shaped, supple, lulu lemon-wearing ass and go out there and get it . . .
3) You Barely See Your Friends
Obvious right? Well here’s the catch.
Couple’s friends are great, especially if you like board games and orgies. But that is NOT what I’m talking about.
You need to temporarily separate yourself from your partner, make a play date with your friends and fucking enjoy the shit out of them ON YOUR OWN. This is so important, and one of the reasons I felt a loathing towards my ex when it wasn’t even her fault.
Never put relationships before friends and your own self-identity. They are equally important.
I see this single indicator of a failing relationship more often than any of the others, and it almost always ends in a break-up down the road or that couple dropping off the face of the earth and living in their own bubble. This co-dependent behaviour is a sure way to feeling miserable and lost for most people, so let your partner spend quality time with friends and family on their own, and expect the same from them.
Oh, and if you’re worried they’re going to cheat on you – well, either you have some serious personal issues that you need to deal with or you’re in a shitty relationship with a partner you can’t trust.
4) You Start Filling Your Home with Pets
Dogs, cats, all animals really – they’re fucking incredible. There’s nothing that feels better than being attacked by a little puppy and being ravaged by kisses, nor can I think of many things more satisfying than hearing your stupid kent cat purr up against your leg for the first time in weeks, looking for a bit of love.
The hardest part of my breakup of ten years was losing my two dogs. But looking back, we never should have gotten those animals in the first place.
The first pup I immediately fell in love with. Sure he shit everywhere and sure he gnawed on everything with reckless abandon, but he was wonderful from the outset and was quite literally the biggest light in our relationship for many years.
However, our relationship was pretty fresh (maybe a year in), and we still didn’t know each other very well. Instead of really getting to know each other, a lot of our attention was put on the pup, and instead of talking about our issues it became easier to take the dog for a walk or cuddle the living piss out of him to feel better.
Fast forward a few more years, we hit a serious rough patch, and my only justification for staying in the relationship at the time was that I didn’t want to lose the dog. It was a stupid reason to endure another seven years, and my life could have been a lot different, for better or worse.
But then, when things got seemingly boring, we’d get a cat, a few lizards, hermit crabs, and then, when things got really shitty, we went and got ourselves another dog. Looking back, we were trying to fill a void, and a relationship that should have lasted maybe a year or two dragged on for a whole ten years.
So maybe hold off on getting that pet, folks. Ground yourselves, get to know each other, and then add to your family when the issue is you have too much love to give, not the fact that you’re not receiving enough.
5) You Begin to Live for Vacations
This one isn’t directed toward parents. You’re a whole different breed of fucked. I understand your questionable decision to have children makes an escape from reality super attractive, and I feel for ya. I get the same urge to bail on my responsibilities every time I wake up and hear my alarm clock go off, so I can’t imagine what having screaming children that shit and smear boogers everywhere is like. Mad respect. Keep overpopulating the world you freaky sex kittens.
But for all of you other ingrates out there without children – if you go to work, slug through every day, go home to see your significant other and only get through it BECAUSE you have a vacation three months down the road, you’re doing life wrong. Find happiness in your partner and in your day to day life, or you’re going to be one miserable kent. I’ve been there, and it ain’t pretty.
6) You Need Booze to Spice up Your Sex Life OR You’ve Just Stopped Having Sex
Once again, parents need not apply. You’re done having sex. This is the price of children. Time will not permit ejaculation, that is, unless you’re comfortable giving road head with your toddler sleeping in the back seat of the car. If that’s the case, you deserve a god damn medal.
But for couples floundering in their sex lives, here’s news for you – figure out the problem now or forever be unfucked. You don’t have kids, your private parts are mostly working, and they should be pointed directly at each other at least a few times a week.
I had issues with this, mainly because my ex was gay and didn’t know it, but also because we had a litany of excuses for not having sex. For years, my only chance of getting a little sumthin’ sumthin’ were the nights where we had a party at our place or we got fucked up at a bar somewhere and blacked the eff out. Booze fueled the sex drive, and I felt mighty fine about myself following the coitus, as if I’d done my duty as an adult and could wake up the next morning, smoke a cigar, make a coffee, read the paper bare-chested, and talk politics with the dog.
Unfortunately, the boozy sex was meaningless and empty, just like any drunken one-nighter, because I knew that it was a false, alcohol-induced reality. We would sober up, go about our lives in relative comfort, and never feel that passion unless we planned a party. Of which I wanted to plan many . . . because, you know, sex.
So if you find yourself in a sexless relationship and it’s as important to you as it is to me, figure that shit out or get the fuck out. Marriage won’t change it. A better job won’t change it. Kids sure as hell won’t change it. And I can’t stress enough that more pets won’t change it, unless, for some fucked up reason, having your dog peek over the bed while you’re pounding your girlfriend is something that does it for you.
I know some of you are panicking right now, but there’s one important thing that I’ll leave with all of you in my Dustin-ly Wisdom*:
All of these things can be reversed.
You can start looking good again for your partner. You can experience new things together and explore and learn about the world around you. You can stop being a jealous dickhead and push your girlfriend to have a Girl’s Night Out*. You can even start down the path of self-improvement and stop relying on drunk vacations with your partner to pull your relationship out of the dumps. Sex lives can and have been fixed before (try anal), and if you already have a dog, you can open the back gate to your yard and let fate take its course.
Because I’ve been there, ladies and gents. You and your partner might currently be steering in the wrong direction, but it takes just one of you to take the wheel and pull it back on course.
And if your partner resists and pulls the wheel back? Well you can always fire me a message and I’ll treat you right.
*Dustin-ly Wisdom – This is not a thing.
*Girls’ Night Out - This thing that women do that seems like it would be fun, but probably isn’t. Dicks gotta be ery’where for any fun to be had. Even I know that!
Did you like this list? Huh, did ya, punk?
Well then check out The Top 10 Worst Kinds of People!