Since I joined Medium.com back in 2017, I’ve seen countless articles across the platform on this very topic, many of them offering up suggestions on how to become the next millionaire with a few, easy and helpful tips. For example:
These are all so great and have received thousands of views on the site. But I contend they all share one key problem that I would like to amend with this blog.
All of these articles have too FEW ways to become a millionaire. I’m here to tell you that the Magic Number, my friends, is actually 16.
That’s right. Not ten, or fourteen, or even fifteen.
Here’s a quote for a dash of panache:
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” — Robin Williams
Remember that quote. Well, and the twenty other quotes I might add throughout the piece. Shall we begin?
1) Steal From the Poor
There is no more sure-fire way to get rich quick than to exploit the poor and needy. I’m starting with this method because it is the most tried and tested, and you can look just about anywhere and see it in action.
Look into any clothing store window and you’ll see the recipe for success. The Nike sneakers and Adidas clothing that you’re ogling over was made overseas by people in egregious working conditions making no more than a few cents per hour. But for you, this makes complete cents (see what I did there?).
Exploiting the poor by paying them nothing, and then marking up the clothing they make by 95% and marketing it to people that can barely afford their rent payment, just plain works, and you’d be an idiot not to take advantage of this glorious moniker of capitalism.
Sounds like bull shit? Obviously, you haven’t been meditating enough.
“Meditation, more than anything in my life, was the biggest ingredient of whatever success I’ve had.” — Ray Delio, the billionaire founder of Bridgewater Associates.
Meditating daily, if not hourly, will clear your mind, remove toxins from your soul and, inevitably, make you money. Sitting completely still and doing nothing about the business problems that are sitting right in front of you will not only make those problems go away, but they’ll be thrown onto someone else’s plate because you’ve been too busy doing nothing. This will clear up even more time for meditation, and it’ll become obvious that the Buddhist term Nirvana is most aptly translated to: “I’m filthy fucking rich.”
3) Start a Start-Up
I read an interesting stat on a blog somewhere, in some place, long ago, that 95% of start-ups are destined for greatness, and it doesn’t really matter who’s behind the helm.
No business degree? No problem.
All you need is a dream, an idea, and a whole lot of luck (which you obviously have!), and your business will become a screaming success, throwing you into the land of the wealthy almost overnight.
4) Find Someone Wealthy, and Threaten a Sexual Harassment Claim
If the last six months has taught us anything, the court of law doesn’t matter anymore, and a sexual harassment claim is all it takes to bury an individual, destroying his/her life with one stroke of your phone’s keyboard.
Sounds like exploitation? I beg to differ.
This is what I call: OPPORTUNITY.
All it takes is a phone call, a properly placed threat, and the rich, married oligarch that you’re targeting will spit out money like a broken slot machine to keep your allegations quiet. It doesn’t even matter that it’s completely made up!
5) Child Labour
A lot of people with children think that an entrepreneurial, million-dollar future has passed them by. But those people have never truly considered exploiting their children.
Are their evenings and summers currently spent being lazy, spending time playing with their “friends”, and doing meaningless “school work”? Well now, you’ve discovered the reason you’re not already making millions!
You never did well in school, so why the hell should they? Your social life has fallen apart since they were ejected from your womb, so why should they have one?
It’s time they put down the soccer ball, pack up the science textbook, and get to work knitting and sewing funny dog costumes for your business so you can retire in Bali and you never have to witness how bad you fucked them up. And if anyone asks? Just say you’re building their character and showing them the value of work. That’ll shut up Child Protective Services real quick.
6) Make Dog and/or Cat Videos
If Facebook has taught our world anything, it’s that you can’t scroll through two posts without seeing an adorable, predictable video with your favorite furry critters.
Spend the next two months fattening up your animal, and then force it into strange situations that come off as completely natural and “accidental”. Even better, if there is the tiniest inkling that your animal is being abused, either emotionally or spiritually, the activists will hop on your video like cat nip, and that baby will go viral.
Tow that line though. If abuse is obvious, you might just end up in jail. But even if your worst case scenario happens, that’s not going to stop the YouTube income from flowing into your coffers as you sit behind bars, getting diddled by a white supremacist named Karen. You’ll leave prison with half a billion views, which, if Logan Paul is any indication, will make you a rich, spoiled little bitch. But this is exactly what we’re trying to accomplish here.
7) Claim You’re a Millionaire Trapped Inside of a Poor Schlub’s Body
With everything from our sexual orientation, gender and species being fluid these days, this isn’t as big of a long-shot as you think.
If a grown-ass man can claim that he’s a six-year-old trapped inside a hairy, filthy body, and the forces that be don’t call him clinically insane, this stunt might just work.
Invest in some acting classes ASAP, because if you’re actually planning on making a case, your impression of a rich person (which you’re clearly not), needs to be on point. Better yet, shadow a rich person for a few weeks and mimic their every move. Restraining orders be damned!
8) Start a Cult (or Religion)
Another fail-proof plan to shower yourself in gold bullions.
If you have even a smidgen of charisma, there are enough blundering, lost idiots (BLI) out there that are looking for something to grasp onto. This works even better if you’re a BLI yourself, because over enough time you might just believe your bullshit yourself.
If you need a template to go by, just research any religion born in the last three-hundred years and you’ll get a pretty good idea on where to start. You’ll also receive some insight into how stupid and gullible those BLIs really are, and that will give you the confidence to move forward, full-steam ahead!
9) Don’t Reinvent the Wheel
Everything has been thought of, and, besides, the fact that you’re looking to get rich quick shows just how lazy you are and how impossible original thoughts come to someone like you. So don’t reinvent the wheel!
Instead, scour Etsy, Pinterest and any other website that features cheap garbage that people buy, read the reviews, find the mistakes, steal the entrepreneurs idea and then reproduce that hunk of shit with a few minor, MIND-BLOWING tweaks.
Are customers complaining about those frilly leg warmers being a tad too warm. Make some of your own out of cheaper material, call them something cute like “Leggies”, and jack up the price! You’ll learn a valuable lesson: Millennials can get behind ANYTHING (for a few hours).
10) Exploit the Old
You know that rich Nigerian Prince that fired out e-mails to everyone with a heartbeat and promised us all riches in return for some credit card information? Well, guess what? That once poor bastard was just like you, but now he’s rich!
Many of the elderly are collecting a pension and living off forty whole years of employment income, and a simple, well-crafted e-mail just might give you access to a fair portion of those funds. And when I say “fair” I mean the money you know you damn well deserve. What did they work all those years for if not to pass down their wealth to the next generation? Claim what’s rightfully yours!
11) Invest at Least 10% of Your Income in Yourself
To quote a Benjamin Hardy article (referenced above):
“When it comes to self-improvement, investing 10% of your income on yourself will yield a 100X or more return on that investment. For every dollar you spend on your education, skills, and relationships, you’ll get at least 100 dollars back in returns.”
It’s as easy as that! For example:
I spent $50,000 on my Bachelor of Arts, which means I should garner at least $5,000,000, because I invested that money in myself. And that’s at his lowest estimate!
Holy crap . . . I’m going to be rich!
I mean, I’m not there yet, but that’s only because I had to find work right out of university in an unrelated field because of a lack of jobs and crippling student loan debt, which put me behind the eight ball right out of school and . . . well, but I’m sure it’s coming! Hardy’s 10,000 likes received on that article are as good a promise as I’ll ever need.
12) If your product isn’t selling, tack the word “Natural”, “Organic” and “Fair Trade” onto the Packaging
Trying to sell t-shirts but your crappy iron-on images on 100% cotton aren’t flying off the shelves like you had hoped?
Well, your days of worrying are over. Slap an Organic sticker on the shirt, and watch the confused hipsters snap those babies up like indie rock bands.
The world is full of people trying to be healthy and attempting to good. Thankfully, in capitalism you don’t have to be one of them.
13) Stop Doing All of the Things That Make Life Worth Living
There are many lists all over the web that tell you to stop doing things that you enjoy and savour in order to become rich and successful. Me? Well I agree with all of them.
Stop drinking coffee.
Stop consuming entertainment.
Stop reading this article and do something with your life.
Stop consuming sugar. Stop eating.
Quit the internet. Enough with understanding the world around you and quit reading the newspaper.
Go to bed early, even if you’re a night owl, and wake up at 5AM, even if you’d rather die than do so.
Stop taking warm showers. Stop buying clothing. Stop consuming alcohol. Stop smoking cigarettes. Stop masturbating. Stop eating pasta. Stop going on social media. Stop watching funny videos.
Just . . . STOP
It’s that easy.
14) Earn Income on the Side
Do you already work 50+ hours a week, but that first million dollars in the bank is still alluding you?
Guess what? It’s hiding in plain sight!
Pick up a side hustle and work an additional 20–30 hours a week, leaving you absolutely no time to enjoy yourself in the prime of your life. Rest is for the dead, they say, and this couldn’t be closer to the truth. All that should matter to you is becoming a millionaire, because only then will you truly be able to enjoy the life that you’ve always wanted at the ripe age of 77.
15) Kill a (Healthy) Guy and Sell his Organs
I mean, this goes without saying, so I almost didn’t add it to the list. But the going price for a healthy set of lungs in Bangkok is in the tens of thousands these days, and with enough dead guys at your feet, you could be swimming in a pool of cash in no time.
Afraid of blood? Get with the times, outsource your labour and hire a trained killer for under $5,000. Just make sure you provide him with explicit instructions to put the harvested organs on ice, or you’ll feel really stupid leaving the black market with the same liver you went in with.
16) Write Click-Bait Articles Just Like This
Finally, if I’ve learned anything from the writers who pump out this shrill shit on a quarterly basis, writing articles on how to become rich without actually being rich yourself and, in effect, fooling the desperate masses, will make you thousands of dollars per month on Medium. And what happens when you add a bunch of thousands together?
That’s right, slugger! You’ll become a millionaire!
It doesn’t matter that the stuff you’re peddling is made up and completely useless to the everyday human. That’s not the point.
Fact is: you can lie. No one’s going to throw you into jail for deception, or for giving a mother of three screaming children false hope. Because this is the internet, and the fake is so intertwined with the truth that no one can tell the difference anymore.